The Life Of A Traveling Swine

As an educated and well travelled swine, I have to say that life on the road is not always easy. In fact, although it looks like glitz and glam, there are some rough times as well and I can tell you that spending a lot of time in airports is not what it’s cracked up to be. At times I miss my mud pit and eating airport food is missing the… ‘je ne sais quoi’… something, of home prepped slop. Add to that the fact that I rarely see others of my kind, and it can be a lonely life, even with my human along to do my bidding for me.

I bring a human along mostly because a lack of vocal cords makes it tough for me to speak, so I have to drag him around to be my voice to the other human servants. Sometimes you would swear they think THEY own the planet, but I don’t mind letting them have their little delusion as long as they do my bidding in the end. I control them with my mind, so they always do.

A recent trip outlined the dangers and difficulty of life on the road. I took my human to Washington DC to attend a conference and speak at another one (I’m good a multitasking the human). I wore red that day as it is a power color and when you are in the nation’s capitol, you never know who you will run in to, and have to boss around. In any case, although I’ve been to DC before, I have never been to the Museum of Natural History and wanted to check it out.

Posing at the train station. Selfies are hard when you have no real arms

To understand how this works, years ago I had my human purchase a first class traveling home for me called the ‘Oakley Kitchen Sink‘. Think of it as a human-powered RV. It’s incredibly spacious inside, comfortable and has lasted me several years of heavy travel. Since I spend a lot of time in here controlling the humans thoughts, making the human spend that much money on a backpack was something I have never regretted.

During this trip to DC, I loaded myself up in the pack and had the human go to the train station. This ended up being an interesting time, but I’m not going to repeat myself as I had the human talk about it already in this thread. I was finally able to get him to the museum safely, although it was apparently very hot outside of the RV as he was sweating profusely.  The museum itself was wonderful. I was able to interact with many of the exhibits (sometimes with help from my human) and spotted some folks that I am pretty sure are a close relative to myself.

 

   

I have a cousin with tusks like that, only these are upside down

     

I wasn’t scared at all. Honest. I just stared him down

    

I am reasonably sure we are related. Both of us are pretty hardcore!

From here it was work, work, work as I took my human to the Gartner event and spoke at the International Legal Technical Association (ILTA) event. I mostly stayed in my RV for the time, but had my human take me to some pretty good sessions and spoke with some great people.

Tomorrow I leave for Chicago for BSides Chicago where I am speaking (through my human again). This time I’m going whole-hog and wearing my derby in hopes of attracting some tickets to DerbyCon. The resident bee doesn’t agree with my blatant attempt to score DerbyCon tickets, however I told him to buzz of about it. He has shifty eyes anyways. Not someone who’s opinion you can trust.

Would you trust those shifty eyes?

Perhaps I will do a “Day in the life of…” post tomorrow so you can see what it’s like to be on the road. Time will tell.


Erich Kron is the Security Awareness Advocate at KnowBe4, and has over 20 years’ experience in the medical, aerospace manufacturing and defense fields. He is the former security manager for the 2nd Regional Cyber Center-Western Hemisphere.

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